I haven’t showered in almost three days and if I had an office job this would be the point where I decide I’m going to sprinkle baby powder on my scalp tomorrow morning to cover up the grease. I am a disgusting manifestation of a human being.
In comparison, these girls are immaculate. They look like they shower every day.
Somehow, however, this show still manages to make me feel really good about myself.
Welcome To Your Long Overdue Bachelor Recap
I have to start by saying, I promise myself a lot of things. Like I promised myself I wouldn’t take a picture of the plane that landed on the Major Deegan some days ago after sitting in its rubbernecking traffic for two hours.
I also promised myself I’d try to go out more in 2014, instead of watching so much goddamned reality tv.
But here we are.
Watching this show feels as productive as sucking back up a poop you mistook as ready for elimination. The fact is though that I’ve committed myself – there’s no going back. Some things I’d like to note before we begin:
I’ve gone soft over the years, recap-wise. I’m both proud of my restraint and truly missing the days of passive-aggressively ripping crazy bitches new ones from the safety of my home computer. Think of today’s recap as a return to evil, all in the name of good, fair fun! If you’re a contestant:
We are in season 18. If you are on this show and have seen even a single episode from a previous season, then you know what you’re getting into. And if you don’t, then that’s way worse, and I am doing you and society a disservice if I don’t publicly psychoanalyze you in an effort to break down what it is that brought you to this point.
I hope we’re all on the same page?
LET’S BEGIN
27 women, all born with two things in common – naturally really great faces and a desperate longing for their fathers’ acceptance - have come to compete for an out of work soccer player’s love. There are about one, maybe two, normal ones. Let the games begin.
What I’m Expecting…
I don’t know what I’m expecting, but I saw full butt during an anal waxing on the reality show Vanderpump Rules recently so that’s where my bar is set.
LET’S MEET JUAN PABLO
Mostly during this segment where we meet Juan Pablo I can’t understand a word he’s saying. Juanderful. Why did I take French in high school? I was forced to use images as my guide.
It’s mostly stuff like this.
I feel like I really got to know his gait when he jogs, and the alarming way his pecs rise and fall on his chest when he’s doing the jogging. Is that normal? I feel like I could draw his abs from memory.
It seems he plays soccer, which I already knew because he’s from South America, and that at one point he played it professionally but doesn’t anymore. He definitely works out. He pets random people’s dogs. He has a daughter. He is not with his daughter’s mother, and his daughter is his world. He needs someone to coparent her so that it isn’t anymore.
Juan Pablo’s daughter arrives with her grandparents; she’ll be spending the season with him because he wants to “set a good example for her.” Juan Pablo’s parents will be looking after the child somewhere nearby while he lays pipe over the next couple months.
LET’S MEET JUAN PABLO’S CHIQUITURI
“Hi, I’m Juan Pablo’s daughter, Camila. At my tender age, I don’t have the ability to coherently voice my discomfort with this situation, but I’ll have to tag along as he is the sole source of my food and water.”
TETE-A-TETE: BACHELOR SEAN ADVICE SESSION
Juan Pablo is seen playing with his daughter, and tells us that he’s about to meet 25 beautiful women, which is I guess the Spanish translation for “27 beautiful women” ??
Former Bachelor Sean Lowe walks in, waay too confidently to Ludacris’ “Area Codes” in his mind. Before Juan Pabs can get a word in, Sean is like “Treat dem like dey yo bitches – cuz dey’s yo bitches now.”
Very few people know that Sean has been living for this moment, honing and rehearsing his advice, ever since Chris Harrison called him with the news. He’s had his shirt picked out for months.
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