reblogged: The Empty Nest Syndrome in Your Marriage

original: http://marriage.about.com/cs/midlife/a/emptynest.htm

By Sheri & Bob Stritof

The Sad News

The sad news is that there has been a steady increase in the number of divorces among couples married 30 or more years. Many long-term married couples divorce one another after the kids leave home.

They realize too late that their children kept them together. Other couples divorce during the empty nest years because they can't handle the health issues and the sense of an uncertain future along with being overwhelmed by too much togetherness.

The Good News

The good news is that with good communication and preparation for this phase of your marriage, the empty nest years can be tremendously enjoyable and full of new beginnings.

So now that the kids have left home, what comes next?

After the kids have left home, you will notice some changes in your home and lives. Some are great, some are sad. Being aware of what's different and how those makes you feel is an important step in avoiding the negative aspects of the empty nest syndrome.

Share your feelings and awarenesses with one another.

• You may feel a sense of emptiness and loneliness.
• You are delighted to see emails from your kids or have them call you.
• Your grocery bills are lower.
• Abandoned pets need feeding.
• There's food in the refrigerator.
• The house stays clean.
• You look forward to receiving pictures from the kids.
• You only have to wash clothes and towels once a week.
• Your calendar is often just as busy as it ever was, but it is filled with fun things to do with one another.
• Your home is quiet.
• There's hot water when you want it.
• The phone rings less.
• Your water bill takes a dive.
• You can use the computer whenever you want.
• Your attic is full of boxes of the kids' mementoes and belongings they need stored for awhile.
• You may keep some of your kids' favorite stuffed animals or toys where you can see them.
• You notice that when the kids visit, you have to pick up the pace of your life again during their stay.
• You can make love on the living room sofa in the middle of the day.

More Empty Nest Syndrome Coping Tips:

Take advantage of the time the two of you have alone together to talk about the topics that could create problems in your marriage, topics that could be a challenge to deal with, and the topics that could bring you both happiness.

• Your hopes and dreams for the future.
• Expectations. Not only general expectations, but at the beginning of each day, share your specific expectations of the day.
• The sense of grief you are both feeling in dealing with the kids leaving home.
• Financial concerns.
• Health issues including menopause and andropause.
• Downsizing.
• Changing roles.
• Where you want to live for the rest of your life.
• Boomerang kids.
• Grandchildren.
• Aging parents.
• Getting in one another's way and on one another's nerves.
• The importance of being versus doing.
• Travel.
• Having fun together.

There are many things the two of you can do to prevent the empty nest syndrome from hurting your marriage.

• Seek counseling if your empty nest marriage is showing signs of withdrawal, alienation, and negativity.
• Accept that you will experience grief and that it hits men just as hard as it hits women. Empty nest dads may feel a sense of regret over things they didn't do and time not spent with their children.
• Limit how often you call your kids.
• Don't place guilt trips on your kids. This is especially important during the holidays.
• Keep lists of each kids' favorite foods for when they visit or when you put together a care package to send out.
• Develop a flexible mindset and be open to change.
• Work on becoming friends with your adult children.
• Don't rush into volunteer roles, travel, taking classes, moving, or emptying out a kid's room. You have plenty of time.
• Schedule dates with each other.
• Make a list of things you have never done but would like to do.
• Make some short-term and long-term plans on how you will spend your money and time.
• If you are thinking about downsizing, see if you can declutter and simplify your life without moving.
• Before making a move to a new location, make sure you have truly double checked your tax situation, and tax benefits from selling and buying, along with analyzing maintenance and utility costs in the new location.
• Don't make assumptions about what your spouse is thinking or wanting to do.
• Marital burnout does not happen to all empty nest couples. Don't fall into the trap of believing that having a problem marriage after the kids leave is inevitable.
  Couples who don't resurface old issues, who continue to respect and love one another, who continue to be sensitive and aware of one another, and who communicate well with each other get through the empty nest stage of marriage in great shape.
  Working together, the two of you can turn the second half of your marriage journey into a delightful journey of discovery and joy.